And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
