i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
