Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
