Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
