So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
