This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
