New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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