my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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