Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You ate ashes out of my bong
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
