So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
