i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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