If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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