marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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