if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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