Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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