He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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