i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
