You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
