All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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