Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
