Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
