so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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