My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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