If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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