i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
