I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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