Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
