He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
