So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
