I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
