Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hate all girls vehemently.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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