I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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