i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hippo gnu deer
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
