He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
they're like a gay fantastic four
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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