You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
