Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
