I could make wine with my vomit
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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