Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
