I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
