his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
