Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
