I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
