yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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