Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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