i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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