i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You can't just leave with hair like that
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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