that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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