If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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