wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
