Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
