Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
