You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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