i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
