When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
