also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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