Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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