i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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