You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When are your genitals available?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
