You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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