Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
