I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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